Got a Bad one ?
E-mail me with it and I'll share.
There was a very prim and proper woman on a bus in NYC when she heard the following
remark from a man, who just immigrated, to his friend: Emma coma first, I coma next, then
assa coma twice, I coma again, the assa coma two more times, I coma once more, peepee
twice, then I coma for the last time."
Shocked the woman found a cop on the bus and demanded "I want that man over there
arrested." The cop turned to her and said, "On what charge? Spelling
Mississippi?
A baby was born that was so advanced that he could talk. He looked around the delivery
room
and saw the doctor. "Are you my doctor?" he asked. "Yes, I am." The
baby said "Thank you
for taking such good care of me." He looked at his mother and asked, "Are you my
mother?"
"Yes, I am," she said. "Thank you for taking such good care of me before I
was born" he
said. He then looked at his father and asked "Are you my father?" "Yes, I
am," his father
answered. The baby poked him on the forehead with his index finger 5 times, and said
"I want
you to know that that HURTS!"
This happens in a small town of a West African country. A couple had a 5 year old son and
one
afternoon the son was sleeping in the living room. The boy's parents took this opportunity
to
enjoy each other in their bedroom. But they left their room door opened while doing the
"wild
thing" The boy woke and peep through the door and saw his parents on top of each
other,
rolling up and down. The 5 year old thought his parents were fighting each other, so he
ran out
of the house and call the neighbors who rushed in to separate them but found out they were
in
the middle of serious love-making. They were highly embarrassed that everybody caught them
in the "act".
A Hollywood Movie Queen, who had been married many times, was to get married again, and
went to her doctor to ask for a facelift. The doctor was not keen on doing it. - I am
sorry,
Madam, you have had it done so many times that I do not think you should have it done
again.
- Oh, please, doctor. I am getting married again, and he is much younger than me. I must
look
my best at the wedding. - Alright, I will do it, but it is definitely the last time. After
the
operation, she looked in the mirror. - That is funny, doctor, I never had a dimple before.
- That
is not a dimple, Madam, that is your navel! If I was to lift your face again, you would
have to
shave!
Farmer Brown has some female pigs he wants to breed. He's never done this before, but
Farmer Anderson up the road has; in fact, Anderson has some fine proven studs. So Brown
calls up Anderson to arrange stud service. They make an appointment for Saturday at 7:30
am. Brown piles all the sows into the truck at 7:00 am and goes to meet Anderson. The pigs
do
their thing, and as Brown is getting the girls back in the truck, Anderson has some
advice.
"Now, watch to see if they graze. If they are grazing--something they never do--then
you will
know they are pregnant." Brown thanks Anderson for the tip, pays him and drives home.
That
stud service doesn't take, so they do the same thing again the following week. And it
still
doesn't work, so they agree to try again the following week.
And it STILL doesn't work. They agree to try one more time. So Saturday rolls around, and
Brown wakes up around 6:45 to see Mrs. Brown standing at the window in her nightie.
"What
is it, honey? Is it the sows?" he says excitedly. "Are they grazing?"
"No," Mrs. Brown says
perplexedly, "but they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn real
loud!"
Melvin McGrew, named county poet laureate by the Willacoochee Herald, wound up as one of
two finalists in the Extemporaneous Poetry Contest at Oxford University. Only he and Lady
Gwen Wisham remained. The moderator named the subject, TIMBUKTU. Lady Gwen went
first and composed these lines:
From across the Mali sands Came the plodding caravan. Came the camels two by two, On
their way to Timbuktu.
The audience went wild, shouting approval and applauding. The remnants of the Royal Family
in attendance beamed with national pride. When the crowd settled down again, Melvin rose
and recited:
Me and Tim was going' swimmin' There we saw some naked wimmen. Of them there was
three; Of us there was two. I bucked one and Timbuktu.
Two cannibals cooked up a single victim for their supper. Since there was only one victim
to
split between them, they agreed that one cannibal would start at the head of the victim,
and the
other at the victim's feet. As they were eating - one cannibal asks the other:
"How are you doing?"
To which the other replies"
"I having a ball!"
The first cannibal yells,
"Slow down, you're eating too fast!"
The other day there was a strange accident on the local interstate, where the only
survivor was a monkey. A man and a woman were found in the back seat dead. The state
trooper at the scene, commented to his partner, while looking at the monkey "If that
monkey could talk, we would know what happened here". The monkey suddenly started
shaking his head up and down, as if to say "I CAN I CAN". The state trooper
walked over to the monkey and said "Do you understand me". The monkey started
shaking his head up and down vigorously. The state trooper could not believe his eyes, but
asked the monkey "What happened here ?". The monkey pantomimed holding a bottle
up to his lips. The state trooper asked "Where they drinking". Up and down the
monkey's head went repeatedly. "What else can you tell me?" said the trooper.
The monkey held his index finger and middle finger to his lips. "Where they smoking
dope?" Yes yes yes motioned the monkey. "What else" said the trooper. The
monkey took his index finger and plunged it back and forth through a circle formed by his
other hand. "They were screwing" said the trooper. The trooper looked back at
his partner and said "What I don't understand is who was driving?". The monkey
took hold of the steering wheel, turned his head looking back over his right shoulder with
a big grin on his face.
A rookie farm inspector passed by a farm one spring day and decided to pay the owner a
visit. He got out of his car, introduced himself, and said that he would like to make an
inspection. About fifteen minutes later, he came back to the farmer and said, "Hey, I
noticed you have a nice crop of honeysuckle growing on your land. Mind if I get some
honey?" The farmer, surprised at the man's stupidity, said, "No, I don't
mind," and he laughed as the inspector went off on his journey. A little while later,
the inspector returned with three jars filled with pure honey, thanked the farmer, and
drove off. The e'd just seen. About a month went by, and About a month went by, and the
inspector returned again. This time, he told the farmer that during the inspection he had
noticed some milkweed on the property and asked if he could get some milk. The farmer,
thinking this can't happen twice, allowed him to proceed. Sure enough, a few minutes
later, the inspector came back with several gallons of fresh milk. The farmer just stared
in disbelief. Towards the end of the summer, the inspector came by once more to visit the
farmer. The farmer thought, "Oh, no. Now what's he going to find?!" The
inspector walked up to the farmer and said, "Say, the last time I was here I noticed
a beautiful grove of pussywillow..." "Wait," said the farmer, "I'm
coming with you!"
There once was a young sailor who couldn't resist a bet. He would make a bet on anything
and he would always win. His shipmates were continually losing their money to him, making
them very irritated. The Captain decided to have the boy transferred to another ship. The
next day the boy was transferred, and less than 15 minutes after boarding the ship, the
boy addressed his new Captain and bet him 50 dollars he had hemorrhoids. The new Captain
had just gotten a physical and knew he had no hemorrhoids, so he agreed to the bet. The
boy told his new Captain to drop his drawers and bend over. The Captain did so, and when
he bent over, the boy shoved a broomstick up the Captain's ass. The sailor found no
hemorrhoids and paid the Captain bucks. The new Captain thought this was great and wanted
to call the boy's old Captain and tell him. When he got the old Captain on the phone he
told him he had just taken 50 dollars from the boy. The old Captain replied,
"How?" "Well," explained the Captain, "he bet me I had
hemorrhoids. I knew I didn't so I bet him. He told me to drop my drawers and bend over.
When I did, he shoved a broomstick up my ass. Hey, no hemorrhoids. Fifty bucks I
won." The old Captain shouted, "That son-of-a-bitch! Before he left here he bet
me 500 dollars that within hour he would have a broomstick shoved up your ass!"